d'you know what I mean?

dejected_jester @ 2006-12-23T01:03:00

2006-12-23T00:25:13Z

I'm starting to think that I just enjoy opposing everyone or everything. A contradiction to feel less faithful when living on a symbol of faith. And between incessant menial tasks and pitiful attempts to grab slumber by the hand, I'm trying to sort out my thoughts, as if I were trying to shuffle cards in the quiet in-between of a furious mind-numbing gale. Is it wrong to miss shit weather when surrounded by palm trees, to collaps in snow when you are drowning in the opressive rays of the sun? What good is it to imagine when your dreams keep on falling down?

I can't remember the last time I've felt so insecure. Selfish. Blind. Antagonistic. Dissaproval raining down on me like the enemy's arrows. And the whole time I'm writing this I have an inner not so mono monologue going on. "Shut up Anis. You are a dramatist and a horrible selfish one at that. Why do need someone else to tell you about something you were too blind to see, too blind because your eyes are coloured to only see and enhance your own pain rather than spotting the pain of others?"

And why? Can I blame it on the fact that I just need a friend here, one good friend who build me up only to let me down? Can I blame myself because I only now have realized how much I took for granted the friendship I was given at Maxwell when I had been a worse person than I am now? I guess this is my karma, irony once again playing me the fool. But it would be to easy to blame it on forces out of my hand. It's just, when I wake up and decide that I will be happy with what little relations I have with everyone else it only takes a little while before I'm reminded that the needy are usually the one most ignored.

Would you care to pass the time with a lost soul like me?

dejected_jester @ 2006-11-25T13:39:00

2006-11-25T17:39:01Z

I feel as if I am exhuastingly scrambling to achieve nothing in a huge hurry. Running without motion. I reach the top only to find I am below everything again.

Life is a shell when you find that your only pleasure is in sleep and even that depends on the maturity of your roommates and their friends. I think I forgot what life is, just as the hamster forgets why it's running in its wheel. You can build a house, you can't build a home.

Only seven more months till I can lay my head in my own bed once again.
Only seven more months till I see her again.

And the time seems so elusively inescapable that it crushes my spirit to dust.

dejected_jester @ 2006-11-02T14:38:00

2006-11-02T18:38:26Z

You are such an inspiration for the ways that I'll never ever choose to be.

dejected_jester @ 2006-10-16T18:34:00

2006-10-16T17:31:51Z

I wish it were as simple as it use to seem. I always claimed I never was home sick. I always used to think that if I really wanted to, I could make a good friend out of anyone. And now I find myself hung over from the drinking too much from the cup of human kindness. It rained today. Not the first time, but the first time I was concious and actually enveloped within it. I almost forgot what it felt to feel light-hearted. I guess bad weather just runs through my veins, and honestly, I feel most comfortable when I'm wearing a coat slash jacket.

I don't know why but I haven't felt like such an outcast since I left Maxwell for Kelsey. I think I better understand the Dorm students when they would say they felt as if they never had privacy. Relaxed on the couch today, I just wished everyone would go away, and hoped that no one would come home. False hope will be the death of me.

Watching the ceiling fan spin around, depressing thoughts playfully chased each other in my troubled mind as if they were engaged in a game of tag on a sunny day. I almost wanted to pick up a pen and write in a journal, but last time that happened...sigh. I can't connect the pieces that I can use to draw the line where charade meets reality. I satisfied myself tilting my frozen glass cup, watching a single drop of Fanta grape fight it's way to make a path through the tiny mist droplets only to slowly spread and evaporate.

I ~~can't~~ win.

dejected_jester @ 2006-07-26T19:45:00

2006-07-27T02:45:44Z

Happy Birthday to me.

dejected_jester @ 2006-07-24T19:00:00

2006-07-25T03:10:12Z

My mind functions as if it is a mouth thick with saliva, choking on the words before they've even taken form. How is it that just as I leave the place I never wanted to be, I leave behind what I always wanted? I am jumping ahead of everything though. Ahead of the hurtle the size of my past pain, accompanied with uneasiness as my mentor.

Maybe it's me. Maybe there's a part of me that likes to fuck up every good situation that I ever have. The constant battle between head and heart, and till now either victor has the same spoil of war, with pain as a crown and solitude, loneliness, as a beloved kinsman and a hated rival. Can I say the words that can be my solace or my downfall? And the hope that damnably springs within me leads me to believe each time that maybe, just maybe, when I leap, I won't fall. That thought, as innocent as a lamb, can transform, within a shaking of it's tail, into a tyger. Can I fail again, and let the moment migrate away on the wind along with summer, and leave myself to wallow in my misery until the damned messenger returns, until it's vicious ice-cold grasp finally overpowers the leak within, until I finish the dream?

I know none of this makes sense, but it feels good to transfer my thoughts from mind to finger to key. If only I had the time to wish as much as I could that I could have the courage to kiss the fear good-bye, to lend courage to another, and a part of me can part our seperate ways so that mine could finely intertwine with another, like the briarthorn and the rose.

Post Script: If you are reading this Mia or Hedi, thank you for/sorry for stealing your photos. I'll accredit all of them to their skill and none to my laziness.
Post Post Script: Anyone who cares, the new Keane CD is very worth it.

dejected_jester @ 2006-07-01T11:29:00

2006-07-01T18:59:24Z

Amazingly, people actually enjoyed Grad Play. Could have fooled me! All jokes aside, the play and Walk-Across was infinitesimally more enjoyable than the night before, other than the ~~ridiculous~~, really cool hat, my diploma falling off the riser, and Caitie pushing me off at one point. Even spending twelve hours inside the community centre wasn't as bad as it seemed. Although what I saw in the crowd was to be expected by then, I even predicted it. I won't even pretend to be suprised, but it made Spencer laugh at one point anyways.

Class of 2006, Hiyasikola (I probably spelt it wrong) I will miss each and every one of you!

Post Script: I apologize for not having any actual pictures of the Walk-Across, I was too busy graduating.

dejected_jester @ 2006-06-30T02:04:00

2006-07-01T18:25:49Z

~~I can not~~, it's impossible, or an utter waste of time to try and ~~scream~~, express my feelings at this moment, because right now I feel like an avalance has let loose and an torrent of thoughts are crushing my mind. What I ~~witnessed~~, saw, burned into the retina of my eyes, only to resurface when my gaze floats toward her, if I can't help it.

I thank God only for the fact that I didn't vomit in front of anyone. Call me over emotional but people don't ~~realize~~, understand how much of my heart goes into each one of them, some more than others.It's just hard for me to show it because I'm a coward. And on the other hand of the matter, when I was in the bus hearing someone singing, "Trying to catch me riding dirty," I also wanted to die so I could rage my fucking spleen on God for being such a fucking comedian.

But after all, it's my fault isn't it? I had thought that I might have been something I am not. I had thought that I might have finally been someone who meant something.

I had thought that maybe once, love had a chance to conquer over lust.

This what I thought, so think me naive.

dejected_jester @ 2006-06-28T18:22:00

2006-06-29T01:25:21Z

Maybe it's the what's tearing at my heart, the jealousy, the feeling of loneliness, the red.
Maybe it's the thought of leaving.
It's here. Summer. Grad.
It's when you become free right? No. Happy? ~~Far from.~~
How safe it feels to feel safe. Leaving a environment that you can depend on. The fear of exposing my feelings to her only to be hurt once again.
How utterly pathetic and cowardly we are.
The thought of my future being shaped by everyone but myself. Allowing that to happen.
The thought of every obligation linking together like fetters chaining me to the dead-weight life I never wanted to encumbered with.
Never felt like you don't belong? ~~Not on a minor scale~~, to the point that you think you're in the wrong time period.
Never wanted to cry at the bittersweet irony of life, sitting in your biology teacher's car listening to a cd about evolution being dictated by a computer?
Occured, the thought of the hidden effort and constant thoughts I give only to be let down and labelled what I am.
Occured, the events that turn[ed] me into the wreck that I am, that I attempt to wildly tame for appearance.

~~Maybe the thought never occured.~~

As I got up from the dock, I sank to my knees at the irony, the answer - the one named the true companion, feels the most dejected and the only one I can blame is myself.